Someday.

babyhat

Day one. The very beginning. The first step of a journey that takes you from “here” to “there.”

That isn’t exactly what I’d call today. But, for the sake of this blog, it will have to do…

Hello, friend… Is it okay if I call you that? You can call me Amanda, and someday I’m going to be a mother.

I say this proudly because it has always been my dream. Little faces, sticky hands, messy kitchens covered in flour. Homework, piano recitals, The Night Before Christmas… It’s all there. I lose myself in these thoughts of what our future could be. It’s been that way for a while now. My husband and I knew we’d want a family, but we wanted the timing to be right.

Someday,” we’d say.

“Someday, I’ll teach my kid how to throw a ball.”

“Someday, we’ll bring our kids here on vacation.”

“Someday…” Always someday.

We’ve learned that “someday” is a funny thing, because even though we’re ready and we’ve decided that we want our family now, “someday” still isn’t here.

Our Day 1 happened almost two years ago. We’ve tried every trick in the book. Temperature charts, ovulation kits, vitamins, diet changes, exercise, meditation, home pregnancy tests galore… Nothing. SO frustrating! Meanwhile, people all around us were announcing their new additions left and right. I know it sounds childish to say that it didn’t seem fair, but…

I was stubborn. I KNEW our baby just HAD to be on its way, we just had to stay the course and distract ourselves with discussing baby names and fussing over who was going to have to change the late night diapers. But someday still isn’t here. And we’ve finally decided it’s time to take the steps to finding out why. 

It’s time to admit that I might need a little help doing what my body is supposed to do on its own. And that has come with its own set of emotions and frustrations. I decided that I would keep track of our progress and findings with a blog. My hope is that it will be therapeutic to share our experiences…

Maybe I’ll connect with others in my position. Maybe (like I have in the countless hours I’ve spent pouring over similar blogs online) someone else will read my words and find hope and courage during their own journey. Maybe someday I’ll reflect on these posts as I look down at the little miracle bundled up in my arms, appreciating every bittersweet step we took to get there.

But there’s that damn “someday” again…

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