It was a tough decision, deciding whether or not to share this blog with family and friends. But I’m glad I did.
As I said in my first post, I wanted a place where I could share everything we learn along the way. Partly because it will help me process everything and work through my own feelings, but also because it could someday provide answers (or just a sense of camaraderie) to someone else who might be in the same painfully scary position out there.
But then I went back and forth between sharing this blog with people I personally knew, or keeping it anonymous. I wanted to tell myself it was because it could get awkward, trying to carry a conversation with a friend or family member while in the back of my mind a little voice would chant, “remember when you posted that thing about your ovaries? Yeah, they probably saw it. They’re sitting there, knowing things about your girly bits while you chat about the weather. That’s so weird. What the hell.”
The real reason, however, is a bit less superficial.
It was shame.
I was so, so ashamed.
It was my dirty little secret. My ultimate failure. All around me, people were beginning their families. Adding to them. Bragging. (But rightly so, as I simply can’t wait to someday brag about my own!) Occasionally, someone would ask something along the lines of, “So, when can we expect a baby from you?”
I’d just grin, and shrug, “When the time is right!” or perhaps the more cryptic, “Who knows?” How exactly do you say, “Uh, when biology decides to do its job” without feeling like you just insulted yourself (or your husband)?
Like you didn’t just admit that you are somehow less of a woman?
I never judged others with these thoughts. I certainly don’t feel as if infertility or trouble conceiving makes one less than a whole. These were just my personal judgy little demons that made me feel like it had to be a secret. Putting it out there for the world to see was like freeing myself from these evil self deprecating thoughts. Declaring that, yes, it is, in fact, an incredibly important goal in my life to be a mother, and come hell or high water, it’s gonna happen. And it’s taking a little longer than expected. And that’s just going to have to be okay. It was liberating.
And I’m not ashamed anymore. I’m ready to fight for what I want.
So many wonderful people have offered kind words, encouragement, happy little virtual hugs that cross the hundreds of miles of distance between us and make me feel every bit as warm as the real thing. I hope that you all know that your support means the world to me.
Thank you for helping me chase those little demons away and focus on what matters.
But brace yourself, the ovary stuff is coming. Soon. 😉