Judgy Little Demons

It was a tough decision, deciding whether or not to share this blog with family and friends. But I’m glad I did.

As I said in my first post, I wanted a place where I could share everything we learn along the way. Partly because it will help me process everything and work through my own feelings, but also because it could someday provide answers (or just a sense of camaraderie) to someone else who might be in the same painfully scary position out there.

But then I went back and forth between sharing this blog with people I personally knew, or keeping it anonymous. I wanted to tell myself it was because it could get awkward, trying to carry a conversation with a friend or family member while in the back of my mind a little voice would chant, “remember when you posted that thing about your ovaries? Yeah, they probably saw it. They’re sitting there, knowing things about your girly bits while you chat about the weather. That’s so weird. What the hell.”

The real reason, however, is a bit less superficial.

It was shame.

I was so, so ashamed.

It was my dirty little secret. My ultimate failure. All around me, people were beginning their families. Adding to them. Bragging. (But rightly so, as I simply can’t wait to someday brag about my own!) Occasionally, someone would ask something along the lines of, “So, when can we expect a baby from you?”

I’d just grin, and shrug, “When the time is right!” or perhaps the more cryptic, “Who knows?” How exactly do you say, “Uh, when biology decides to do its job” without feeling like you just insulted yourself (or your husband)?

Like you didn’t just admit that you are somehow less of a woman?

I never judged others with these thoughts. I certainly don’t feel as if infertility or trouble conceiving makes one less than a whole. These were just my personal  judgy little demons that made me feel like it had to be a secret. Putting it out there for the world to see was like freeing myself from these evil self deprecating thoughts. Declaring that, yes, it is, in fact, an incredibly important goal in my life to be a mother, and come hell or high water, it’s gonna happen. And it’s taking a little longer than expected. And that’s just going to have to be okay. It was liberating.

And I’m not ashamed anymore. I’m ready to fight for what I want.

So many wonderful people have offered kind words, encouragement, happy little virtual hugs that cross the hundreds of miles of distance between us and make me feel every bit as warm as the real thing. I hope that you all know that your support means the world to me.

Thank you for helping me chase those little demons away and focus on what matters.

But brace yourself, the ovary stuff is coming. Soon. 😉

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7 thoughts on “Judgy Little Demons

    • Thank you so much for stopping by, and for the kind words! 🙂 My husband and I currently live in Georgia. I wish you the best of luck as well, and I’m sure we’ll be keeping in touch because I have every intention of keeping up with your blog. 🙂 ❤

  1. You are SO not alone. I’ve been there – and I’m pretty sure many others have too. Even though, on a logical, intellectual level, we KNOW that this isn’t out fault, it still feels like a complete and utter failure – and telling other people is kind of like admitting to having no control over your bodily functions or something equally s-c-a-r-y and creepy. But it’s totally awesome that you’ve gotten over it already and are ready to kick some a$$!

    • Exactly! We shouldn’t be ashamed of ourselves. We’re doing the best we can to get the things we want out of life. And I’ve never been a “closed book” type of person, so it was odd for me to hold on to that secret for as long as I did. So far, opening up about it has been an enormous step in the right direction. Friends from all over (some old, some new!) have shared their strength with me, and now I’m wondering how in the world I ever intended to get anywhere without them. 🙂

      • That’s really awesome – but believe it or not, you’re not in the majority with this. A lot of people find themselves in a very different position, where family and friends either judge their decision to pursue IVF for personal/religious reasons or just aren’t supportive for whatever reason they think is ok to not be there for someone who they’re supposed to love and care about.

  2. Love the term Judgy Little Demons! We all have them, and my personal opinion is that women have them more than men. It’s hard to be gentle on ourselves. Hopefully blogging will help us to keep it all in perspective 🙂

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