Lucky fortune?

Nothing soothes my sniffles and sore throat like a hot bowl of wonton soup.

I always seem to catch a cold right in the thick of the holiday season, and lucky for me there’s a little takeout place nearby that has the cure for what ails me. Chinese takeout, puppy snuggles, and some movies with the husband will hopefully do the trick.

My husband got to his fortune cookie first. His read, “You will enjoy doing something different this coming weekend.” Since we’ll be travelling at the end if this week to visit friends and relatives back home, we thought it was pretty fitting.

I like mine better though. 😉

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And I just can’t help feeling a little more hopeful than usual. Maybe, just maybe…

Brace yourself… (and a bonus TMT!)

A new facebook game is tearing through your newsfeed. And if you haven’t seen it yet, you probably will soon…

I try very hard not to see the fertile world as if I am standing on the other side of a rift with no chance in hell of ever being able to cross. I’ll also admit that there’s some envy  involved when I learn that a new baby is on the way, which is natural, right? I felt this little pinch of jealousy even before my husband and I were serious about having kids of our own.

I absolutely love babies, I love pregnancy, I love many people who have babies and are/were at some point pregnant. And that news will ALWAYS be good news to me, but…

This is a lot of baby stuff. And I have a complicated relationship with baby stuff. (Gasp! Shocking!)

One by one, the mommies on facebook are posting lists of facts about their pregnancies, and because I just can’t help myself, I read every single one because I’m creepy and lifeless like that. By the time I get to the bottom of the list, I am this weird combination of fascinated, envious, angry, and sad. “Like for a number!”

I’ll sit this one out for so many reasons…

And if you’re giving me one of those looks for choosing to write about this, YES I KNOW it’s just a silly little game and clearly it isn’t part of a universal plot to make me feel like someone is raking my nerves against a cheese grater. They’re being normal, friendly, social creatures and sharing a beautiful part of their lives. It’s natural, I guess. I wouldn’t know much about what it’s like to be normal but I do my best to go along with it, smiling and nodding in all the (hopefully) right places.

I just wanted to whine about it while I get ready to torture myself with the next wave of predictably adorable pregnancy quirks. Why do I do this to myself. 😦

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

We have a game of our own, remember? That’s Me Thursdays! (I would link to the original post here but I’m updating from my phone today and I don’t want to push my luck.) Basically, post three interesting/funny/weird facts about yourself as a reminder that there’s more to us than just the whining-about-baby-stuff stuff. 

1) Proud Slytherin here, and no that doesn’t mean I’m evil. It means that if you mess with my friends or family I will viciously destroy you and probably enjoy it a bit too much. Oh, and I’m willing to do whatever is necessary to get the things I want, which I believe will come in handy for the road ahead. ;P (Although, I suppose being a true Slytherin would make me a witch and I would therefore have magic on my side and wouldn’t need doctors at all... hmm... Accio baby!) ;P

2) Let’s just get all geeky up in here today. My husband and I got married on June 26, 2010 and therefore share our anniversary with Amy and Rory Williams (*coughPondcough*). We weren’t even fans of Doctor Who at the time so it’s just an awesome coincidence.

3) Ok, fine, let’s just finish this off right. Our Christmas tree is decorated with a few pokemon, Hedwig, a Creeper from Minecraft, an Angry Bird, Hello Kitty, a glass Xbox controller ornament and over a dozen Star Wars candy canes, and soon there will be a TARDIS tucked in there too. No, we will never grow up and you can’t make us. 😉

Thankful.

I’m not going to waste a valuable moment of this day pining for the things I don’t have. I’m not going to stare teary-eyed at the empty chairs at our dining table and wonder where the rest of our family is. Today is Thanksgiving, and I intend to make the most of it. 

Growing up, my family had a simple tradition for this day: as we sat around the table, we took turns sharing what we were thankful for. There would always be giggles because someone would inevitably mention that they were “thankful it was almost time to eat!” But it was nice, hearing each family member reflect on something that was meaningful to them. 

This year was the first year that Jonathan and I did not make “the rounds.” If you don’t know what I mean, allow me to paint this beautiful picture in your mind: “The rounds” were the pilgrimage that took us to every relative’s home for dinner and ended with us basically crawling through our own front door by the end of the day, 10 pounds heavier and loaded with casserole dishes filled with enough leftovers to keep us out of a grocery store until December… 

Being hundreds of miles from everyone we know and love, we decided a quiet Thanksgiving at home would better suit our budget this year. I cooked, he stayed out of my way, and we had a nice candlelit meal. Just the two of us. And it was nice. 

We even told each other what we were thankful for. We’re a little goofy, so we didn’t get too deep and mushy with it, but it was special in our own dorky way. 

But I saved one tiny little piece of thankfulness to say here this evening. 

I want you all to know that, above all else, this year I am thankful for you. Each and every one of you. For encouraging me, for supporting me, for sharing your stories with me. For proving that even in the darkest of hours there can be strength beyond all measure, and for showing me that even when when there’s no choice but to succumb to the pain that it’s okay because life is messy and we don’t always have to have it together. I have come further, grown more, and had more appreciation for this journey in the last few months than I ever could have done on my own. You are all heroes to me. True heroes. And I am eternally thankful to have such beautiful, brave women in my life today. 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. 

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Hmm… I seem to be growing more emotional as the evening goes on. There must be a logical way to explain this, right? 😉

Now, I’m just going to scoot out of here before you catch me crying. That would be pretty embarrassing. ;’) 

 

Beginning to notice…

It took a long time for me to be able to look in the mirror and see any results. Sure, the numbers were going down on the scale, but my pudgy butt looked the same to me. Jonathan would point out that he could tell my “shape was changing,” which I guess is man-talk for “you look less fat.” 😉 Maybe I just really needed to hear someone else say it before I noticed any difference myself.

Strangely enough, I noticed my legs first. I don’t know how to describe it other than to say they starter to have a more defined “swoop” (?) to them. (I’ve clearly had a long day because that phrase made sense in my head.) I thought that was an odd place to begin seeing the first signs of change, but there ya go. Suddenly, I no longer dreaded pulling on those tight fitting workout pants. Even better, when they started feeling a little baggy on me, I took a chance and grabbed a pair in the next size down. I threw a little one-woman dance party in my bedroom when I pulled them up and found that they fit. 😀

Then, one morning as I was putting on make-up, I noticed that my cheeks weren’t nearly as poofy, and the saggy little pooch underneath my chin that haunts me in every single photograph was less pronounced. That’s when I started getting excited about losing weight. Finally, I was beginning to look healthier (and younger, which is always nice!)

I feel better, which is incredibly important no matter who you are or what you’re going through. I know that happiness is more than a pant size, but right now these changes have to be my victories. This has to be something I can smile and feel good about because if I let myself sink back into that dark place that lets me be miserable and scared, I don’t know when I’ll have the courage to crawl back out again.

I’m not going back there. I am NEVER going back there!!! 

I don’t have any new weight loss to report, but today I am celebrating my progress so far.

And folks, I’m ready…

I’m ready to post a side by side. Please be kind…

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The first picture is from June. I’m standing next to an 8-foot-tall (I think?) polar bear in Atlanta. Now, to be fair, that dress looked a lot cuter before the belt rode up from my waist and got eaten by my boobs. I can’t explain why I thought it looked okay when I put it on that morning. I can, however, promise you that the next time it leaves my closet it’s going to be donated… or burned.

Second photo: November 9th. I probably could have chosen a better photo as my “now” because the sun is just glaring something awful. And having the sun in my eyes gives me epic-bitch face and I don’t know why (I’m actually a nice person, I promise!) But I am just so proud of it… Jonathan caught this picture of me moments after we finished Run or Dye (which I lovingly nick-named Run or Dye trying!) This was my first 5k ever! Was I able to run the entire time? No, but I had fun, and that’s all that matters. I will be doing these more often, and someday I’m going to run ALL THE WAY! 😀

I no longer see getting fit as a form of torture. It’s something I’m excited about, because if 20 pounds has made this much difference I simply cannot WAIT to see how I feel at 30. 40. 50…

When I make it back to my goal weight, my hope is that I’ll be able to look in the mirror NOT to search for the signs of change, but to welcome back an old friend.

And then I’mma take that girl shopping. ;D

Stay strong, and no matter what you’re going through right now, KEEP GOING. 

I want to believe!

What comes to mind when you see the word unexplained?  A grainy black-and-white picture of a UFO? A blurry wisp of a ghostly figure in the window of an abandoned hospital? The phenomenally normal results of my recent blood labs? (No? I guess that last one’s just me then.)

I am healthy. Absolutely healthy. If my test scores were any more perfect, Doc probably would have called me a cheater and sent me to the principal’s office.

I decided to illustrate my frustrations artistically using my amazing computery Paint skills.

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(You’re impressed, I know.)

Cue the X-Files theme, because there’s just no way to explain why I’m not pregnant yet. (God, I am so lame and I really should stay off Hulu for a while… )

Why am I so unbelievably pissed about those results, though? How spoiled am I? There I am, listening to a smiling, cheerful doctor list off my numbers, hearing that everything came back normal, and yet I was…

…disappointed? What the fu-…?

Thyroid? Normal. Glucose? Normal. All those other fancy words I don’t understand? All amazingly normal. People bargain, plead, wish, and pray every single day to hear results like that, but I was hoping for an answer today. I was really, truly hoping that one of those little numbers would be so far out of whack that the Doc could take one look and go, “AHA! THERE IT IS!”

But it’s never that easy, is it? It is literally a mystery why I am having such a hard time popping out a kid. Damn you, little ovaries. Something is wrong with you, why won’t you speak up and tell me what it is?!

We also found out the results of hubby’s SA, and he’s good to go. No problems there. Super fertile. Must be nice! (Does this mean we throw him in with the others and pelt him with passive aggressiveness and old chewing gum wrappers? No? Awwa… )

So of course, the spotlight is turned back on me, and at this point it’s less “spotlight” and more “light bulb inches from my face while I’m strapped to a chair with my interrogator coming out of the shadows with a pair of pliers.” We have ways of making you talk…

 What’s next? I’m being referred to a specialist. There’s nothing more my PCM (or my Nutritionist) can do, since my results clearly have them both scratching their heads and questioning everything they think they know about science.

In the meantime, I’m just going to keep my fingers crossed, keep cheering for my fellow hopeful-babymakers, and try really hard not to beat myself up too much for stopping by Starbucks for a much-deserved treat on the way out of the hospital today.

But oh man, as someone who rarely indulges in caffeine, it was soooo worth it. 

“That’s Me Thursday!”

The Barren Librarian came up with a pretty nifty idea! Once a week, she posts three things about herself that have nothing to do with infertility and she calls this fun little game “That’s Me Thursday!

Today I’m going to tell you three things about me that have nothing to do with my IF because goddamnit, IF is NOT who I am. I’ll do this every Thursday until I run out of interesting/embarrasing/hilarious things to share. I’d love to learn more about all of you, because goddamnit, IF is NOT who you are either. So if you want to participate please let me know in the comments so I can check in and see all the awesome things about you!”

We should really get into this! One of my favorite parts of blogging has been watching the connections I make here grow into friendships, and since we can’t all get together and giggle over the itty bitty details over a bottle (or two) of wine (okay, okay, decaf coffee if we have to be fertility-friendly and boring like that!) like normal little groups of friends, let’s give this “That’s Me Thursday” thing a try. See what we learn about each other that has absolutely nothing to do with examining pee sticks through one bloodshot eye at 5 in the morning.

Seriously, I’m curious! Who are you people?? ;P

1.) I am fascinated by medical anomalies. Well, anything medical, really… but the more bizarre, the better. Ever heard of the Mutter Museum? It’s sort of a dream of mine to go there. I was probably a mad scientist in a previous life. I don’t mean the sick and twisted “do experiments on people” kind, just the “have shelves of two-headed babies in jars” kind. Um. Yeah. That’s not helping things, is it? Moving on.

2.) I play video games. Not incredibly interesting, but it’s not something you hear about every day. (What else is a childless 26-year-old woman supposed to do for fun, anyway?) The husband and I don’t watch TV (aside from a few good shows what we keep up with on Netflix or Hulu) so our spare time usually consists of shooting aliens or zombies. Or Minecraft. He says this trait is one of the reasons why he married me. He better be kidding. 😀

3.) Would you like an embarrassing story? Well, here ya go! My parents bought a new house in a new state in 2012 but wouldn’t be able to move for a few months. We all agreed that my husband and I should move down early and “house sit” until they could get there. It seemed like a pretty good idea, since my husband was scheduled to leave for basic training within a few weeks anyway and I was going to stay with my family until his training was complete. This would give me a little over a month and a half being completely on my own, but I would be able to focus on the cleaning/unpacking/organizing/planning for my family’s arrival to the sunshine state. I’m a nester, so I was okay with that. Plus, there was a pool, so yeah, I wasn’t going to argue. ;P

Unfortunately, at that time, I had never been on my own before. Also, I am a scaredy cat with an extremely overactive imagination. You’ve probably already figured out where this is going…

My husband had been gone for about a week, and my nerves were already pretty shot. Puppy begins whining about 5AM for her morning walk – right on schedule, of course. So I go downstairs with her and just before I reach the back doors I hear the sound that the outdoor shower by the pool makes when it’s running, but it’s too dark to see anything outside. I run up to my room, grab my golf club and my phone, and hide in the closet and call (who else?) my mother. I tell her that someone is outside the house, and she obviously tells me to call the police. So, one frantic 911 call later  the cops are shining their flashlights and checking around. One finally comes to the front door and is greeted by my pajama-wearing-golf-club-carrying-crazy-ass…

He explains to me that the sound I was hearing was simply the sprinkler system.

No crazy midnight outdoor shower bandits, just sprinklers on a timer, spraying water a little too close to the house.

Not my finest moment, I tell ya.

A little mercy…

It is a very well known fact that chocolate and crying can sometimes magically make things better.

I don’t know how it works. I don’t question it. I just let it happen, embrace it, and thank all of my lucky little stars that it does.

I cried and I pouted. I threw a little tantrum here on my blog. I made sure that the universe understood that I wasn’t a happy camper. And every few minutes or so, I checked to see if a miracle would happen and an earlier appointment would show up.

And guess what?

An empty slot opened up just moments ago on my Doc’s calendar.

And it is only 6 days away.  😀

I rubbed my eyes, I double checked the date, and I’m pretty sure I heard a choir of angels singing in the distance…

Ok, I’m just being dramatic about that last thing, but I grabbed that appointment as fast as I could. Waiting a week for answers is a lot easier than waiting an entire month.

I just really wish this could have happened before I consumed an unfortunate amount of sugary happiness…