Brace yourself… (and a bonus TMT!)

A new facebook game is tearing through your newsfeed. And if you haven’t seen it yet, you probably will soon…

I try very hard not to see the fertile world as if I am standing on the other side of a rift with no chance in hell of ever being able to cross. I’ll also admit that there’s some envy  involved when I learn that a new baby is on the way, which is natural, right? I felt this little pinch of jealousy even before my husband and I were serious about having kids of our own.

I absolutely love babies, I love pregnancy, I love many people who have babies and are/were at some point pregnant. And that news will ALWAYS be good news to me, but…

This is a lot of baby stuff. And I have a complicated relationship with baby stuff. (Gasp! Shocking!)

One by one, the mommies on facebook are posting lists of facts about their pregnancies, and because I just can’t help myself, I read every single one because I’m creepy and lifeless like that. By the time I get to the bottom of the list, I am this weird combination of fascinated, envious, angry, and sad. “Like for a number!”

I’ll sit this one out for so many reasons…

And if you’re giving me one of those looks for choosing to write about this, YES I KNOW it’s just a silly little game and clearly it isn’t part of a universal plot to make me feel like someone is raking my nerves against a cheese grater. They’re being normal, friendly, social creatures and sharing a beautiful part of their lives. It’s natural, I guess. I wouldn’t know much about what it’s like to be normal but I do my best to go along with it, smiling and nodding in all the (hopefully) right places.

I just wanted to whine about it while I get ready to torture myself with the next wave of predictably adorable pregnancy quirks. Why do I do this to myself. 😦

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

We have a game of our own, remember? That’s Me Thursdays! (I would link to the original post here but I’m updating from my phone today and I don’t want to push my luck.) Basically, post three interesting/funny/weird facts about yourself as a reminder that there’s more to us than just the whining-about-baby-stuff stuff. 

1) Proud Slytherin here, and no that doesn’t mean I’m evil. It means that if you mess with my friends or family I will viciously destroy you and probably enjoy it a bit too much. Oh, and I’m willing to do whatever is necessary to get the things I want, which I believe will come in handy for the road ahead. ;P (Although, I suppose being a true Slytherin would make me a witch and I would therefore have magic on my side and wouldn’t need doctors at all... hmm... Accio baby!) ;P

2) Let’s just get all geeky up in here today. My husband and I got married on June 26, 2010 and therefore share our anniversary with Amy and Rory Williams (*coughPondcough*). We weren’t even fans of Doctor Who at the time so it’s just an awesome coincidence.

3) Ok, fine, let’s just finish this off right. Our Christmas tree is decorated with a few pokemon, Hedwig, a Creeper from Minecraft, an Angry Bird, Hello Kitty, a glass Xbox controller ornament and over a dozen Star Wars candy canes, and soon there will be a TARDIS tucked in there too. No, we will never grow up and you can’t make us. 😉

Advertisements

Thankful.

I’m not going to waste a valuable moment of this day pining for the things I don’t have. I’m not going to stare teary-eyed at the empty chairs at our dining table and wonder where the rest of our family is. Today is Thanksgiving, and I intend to make the most of it. 

Growing up, my family had a simple tradition for this day: as we sat around the table, we took turns sharing what we were thankful for. There would always be giggles because someone would inevitably mention that they were “thankful it was almost time to eat!” But it was nice, hearing each family member reflect on something that was meaningful to them. 

This year was the first year that Jonathan and I did not make “the rounds.” If you don’t know what I mean, allow me to paint this beautiful picture in your mind: “The rounds” were the pilgrimage that took us to every relative’s home for dinner and ended with us basically crawling through our own front door by the end of the day, 10 pounds heavier and loaded with casserole dishes filled with enough leftovers to keep us out of a grocery store until December… 

Being hundreds of miles from everyone we know and love, we decided a quiet Thanksgiving at home would better suit our budget this year. I cooked, he stayed out of my way, and we had a nice candlelit meal. Just the two of us. And it was nice. 

We even told each other what we were thankful for. We’re a little goofy, so we didn’t get too deep and mushy with it, but it was special in our own dorky way. 

But I saved one tiny little piece of thankfulness to say here this evening. 

I want you all to know that, above all else, this year I am thankful for you. Each and every one of you. For encouraging me, for supporting me, for sharing your stories with me. For proving that even in the darkest of hours there can be strength beyond all measure, and for showing me that even when when there’s no choice but to succumb to the pain that it’s okay because life is messy and we don’t always have to have it together. I have come further, grown more, and had more appreciation for this journey in the last few months than I ever could have done on my own. You are all heroes to me. True heroes. And I am eternally thankful to have such beautiful, brave women in my life today. 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. 

Image

Hmm… I seem to be growing more emotional as the evening goes on. There must be a logical way to explain this, right? 😉

Now, I’m just going to scoot out of here before you catch me crying. That would be pretty embarrassing. ;’) 

 

Beginning to notice…

It took a long time for me to be able to look in the mirror and see any results. Sure, the numbers were going down on the scale, but my pudgy butt looked the same to me. Jonathan would point out that he could tell my “shape was changing,” which I guess is man-talk for “you look less fat.” 😉 Maybe I just really needed to hear someone else say it before I noticed any difference myself.

Strangely enough, I noticed my legs first. I don’t know how to describe it other than to say they starter to have a more defined “swoop” (?) to them. (I’ve clearly had a long day because that phrase made sense in my head.) I thought that was an odd place to begin seeing the first signs of change, but there ya go. Suddenly, I no longer dreaded pulling on those tight fitting workout pants. Even better, when they started feeling a little baggy on me, I took a chance and grabbed a pair in the next size down. I threw a little one-woman dance party in my bedroom when I pulled them up and found that they fit. 😀

Then, one morning as I was putting on make-up, I noticed that my cheeks weren’t nearly as poofy, and the saggy little pooch underneath my chin that haunts me in every single photograph was less pronounced. That’s when I started getting excited about losing weight. Finally, I was beginning to look healthier (and younger, which is always nice!)

I feel better, which is incredibly important no matter who you are or what you’re going through. I know that happiness is more than a pant size, but right now these changes have to be my victories. This has to be something I can smile and feel good about because if I let myself sink back into that dark place that lets me be miserable and scared, I don’t know when I’ll have the courage to crawl back out again.

I’m not going back there. I am NEVER going back there!!! 

I don’t have any new weight loss to report, but today I am celebrating my progress so far.

And folks, I’m ready…

I’m ready to post a side by side. Please be kind…

Image

The first picture is from June. I’m standing next to an 8-foot-tall (I think?) polar bear in Atlanta. Now, to be fair, that dress looked a lot cuter before the belt rode up from my waist and got eaten by my boobs. I can’t explain why I thought it looked okay when I put it on that morning. I can, however, promise you that the next time it leaves my closet it’s going to be donated… or burned.

Second photo: November 9th. I probably could have chosen a better photo as my “now” because the sun is just glaring something awful. And having the sun in my eyes gives me epic-bitch face and I don’t know why (I’m actually a nice person, I promise!) But I am just so proud of it… Jonathan caught this picture of me moments after we finished Run or Dye (which I lovingly nick-named Run or Dye trying!) This was my first 5k ever! Was I able to run the entire time? No, but I had fun, and that’s all that matters. I will be doing these more often, and someday I’m going to run ALL THE WAY! 😀

I no longer see getting fit as a form of torture. It’s something I’m excited about, because if 20 pounds has made this much difference I simply cannot WAIT to see how I feel at 30. 40. 50…

When I make it back to my goal weight, my hope is that I’ll be able to look in the mirror NOT to search for the signs of change, but to welcome back an old friend.

And then I’mma take that girl shopping. ;D

Stay strong, and no matter what you’re going through right now, KEEP GOING. 

“That’s Me Thursday!”

The Barren Librarian came up with a pretty nifty idea! Once a week, she posts three things about herself that have nothing to do with infertility and she calls this fun little game “That’s Me Thursday!

Today I’m going to tell you three things about me that have nothing to do with my IF because goddamnit, IF is NOT who I am. I’ll do this every Thursday until I run out of interesting/embarrasing/hilarious things to share. I’d love to learn more about all of you, because goddamnit, IF is NOT who you are either. So if you want to participate please let me know in the comments so I can check in and see all the awesome things about you!”

We should really get into this! One of my favorite parts of blogging has been watching the connections I make here grow into friendships, and since we can’t all get together and giggle over the itty bitty details over a bottle (or two) of wine (okay, okay, decaf coffee if we have to be fertility-friendly and boring like that!) like normal little groups of friends, let’s give this “That’s Me Thursday” thing a try. See what we learn about each other that has absolutely nothing to do with examining pee sticks through one bloodshot eye at 5 in the morning.

Seriously, I’m curious! Who are you people?? ;P

1.) I am fascinated by medical anomalies. Well, anything medical, really… but the more bizarre, the better. Ever heard of the Mutter Museum? It’s sort of a dream of mine to go there. I was probably a mad scientist in a previous life. I don’t mean the sick and twisted “do experiments on people” kind, just the “have shelves of two-headed babies in jars” kind. Um. Yeah. That’s not helping things, is it? Moving on.

2.) I play video games. Not incredibly interesting, but it’s not something you hear about every day. (What else is a childless 26-year-old woman supposed to do for fun, anyway?) The husband and I don’t watch TV (aside from a few good shows what we keep up with on Netflix or Hulu) so our spare time usually consists of shooting aliens or zombies. Or Minecraft. He says this trait is one of the reasons why he married me. He better be kidding. 😀

3.) Would you like an embarrassing story? Well, here ya go! My parents bought a new house in a new state in 2012 but wouldn’t be able to move for a few months. We all agreed that my husband and I should move down early and “house sit” until they could get there. It seemed like a pretty good idea, since my husband was scheduled to leave for basic training within a few weeks anyway and I was going to stay with my family until his training was complete. This would give me a little over a month and a half being completely on my own, but I would be able to focus on the cleaning/unpacking/organizing/planning for my family’s arrival to the sunshine state. I’m a nester, so I was okay with that. Plus, there was a pool, so yeah, I wasn’t going to argue. ;P

Unfortunately, at that time, I had never been on my own before. Also, I am a scaredy cat with an extremely overactive imagination. You’ve probably already figured out where this is going…

My husband had been gone for about a week, and my nerves were already pretty shot. Puppy begins whining about 5AM for her morning walk – right on schedule, of course. So I go downstairs with her and just before I reach the back doors I hear the sound that the outdoor shower by the pool makes when it’s running, but it’s too dark to see anything outside. I run up to my room, grab my golf club and my phone, and hide in the closet and call (who else?) my mother. I tell her that someone is outside the house, and she obviously tells me to call the police. So, one frantic 911 call later  the cops are shining their flashlights and checking around. One finally comes to the front door and is greeted by my pajama-wearing-golf-club-carrying-crazy-ass…

He explains to me that the sound I was hearing was simply the sprinkler system.

No crazy midnight outdoor shower bandits, just sprinklers on a timer, spraying water a little too close to the house.

Not my finest moment, I tell ya.

Sunshine Award

Things I suck at:

1) knitting
2) making babies
3) blogging regularly

sunshine

I was recently nominated for The Sunshine Award by A Calm Persistence! Please stop by and see her sometime soon. I don’t want to get too mushy, but I will say that I really admire this woman and the strength she has in her. Also, it’s absolutely adorable how she pampered her husband during her recent round of the oh-so-dreaded clomid.

During my time of neglect absence I was also ninja’d with another nomination by babybattle.  Sneaky sneaky… ;P Please stop by and give her a hug as well! She’s very sweet.

Why do you Blog?

To put it simply: I wanted needed a place to write, to share my feelings, to tell my story, and to connect with others who are doing the same.

What are you most proud of?

I am proud of my husband, but I am ESPECIALLY proud of our relationship. We have had to deal with our fair share of rough waters over the years, but every struggle has only proved to us that we are stronger together than we could ever be on our own. I’m proud of the life we are building together, even if some parts of it are held together with little more than hopes and dreams. 😉

What is one thing you want to learn how to do?

Make my mother’s homemade old-fashioned fudge! It is absolutely phenomenal and people beg her to make a batch, especially around the holidays. I have the recipes for her chocolate fudge and her FAMOUS peanut butter fudge candy, I have watched her/assisted her in making them COUNTLESS TIMES, and yet when I am on my own it just doesn’t work. I whine to her that she must be keeping a secret ingredient from me and adding it when she knows I’m not looking. She just teases me with the whole “practice makes perfect!” thing. Gr!

If you could have any super power, what would it be?

Teleporting! It would be so much easier to visit friends and family no matter how far away we have to move.

What is your best piece of advice?

Do what makes you happy.

If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?

INVEST some so it would grow, then we’d probably pay off my student loans, do something awesome for our parents, start college funds for the future kiddies and buy a house somewhere and fill it with lots of animals and babies. ;D

What is your favorite season and why?

Fall, because these good things get to happen: crunchy leaves, pumpkins, that awesome smell in the air, chilly mornings, hot tea, fuzzy socks, pumpkin-spice-ANYTHING, Halloween, Thanksgiving, visiting family, and of course, my birthday.

What is your all time favorite meal?

The meal I like to make for our anniversaries: stuffed chicken marsala with mushroom gravy, potatoes roasted with garlic and olive oil, warm breadsticks, a fresh salad with lots of colorful veggies, some chocolate dipped strawberries, a bottle of one of our favorite wines, and red velvet cake with butter cream icing for dessert (just like our wedding cake!)

What is your favorite song?

There are so many songs that I love and call my “favorites,” but the one that stands out from the rest is “Turn to Stone,” by Ingrid Michaelson. I adore her so much. This song will usually reduce me to tears every time I listen to it. The message really hits home for me, especially when I’m feeling particularly overwhelmed…

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? 

Anywhere? In the whole world? Ok, I’d live here! 😉

Cinderella_Castle

And before you tell me that a person couldn’t actually live there, BEHOLD!  THE CINDERELLA SUITE! 

Could you imagine? Oh, man…

“Where do you live?”
“You know the castle at Disney World?”
“Yeah?”
“There. I live there. OH YEAH, YOU’RE JEALOUS!” *struts away*

;P

I know that this is the part where I pick 10 amazing, deserving bloggers to carry on the Sunshine Award, but… I just can’t. Three reasons:

1) I can’t decide because I read so many and I love them all for different reasons.
2) I’m lazy today this week this month I’m lazy.

3) I’m going to give this “rebel” thing a try and break a rule just for the sake of breaking it. THAT SAID, if you are reading this, you’re nominated. Yeah, I’m cheating… But I’ve played by the rules my whole life and all I have to show for it is a long history of disappointing pee sticks and a little onesie hidden in the back of my sock drawer. SO.

And if you wish to accept this open-nomination, your questions are:

1. What is your favorite book?
2. Are you a neat freak?
3. If you HAD to change your first name, what would you change it to?
4. If you could trade lives with one person for a day, who would it be?
5. Let’s order pizza! What are your go-to toppings? (Mine’s totally hot sauce and pineapples!)
6. Are you a pirate or a ninja?
7. Favorite Disney movie? (you know you have one!)
8. Dream vacation spot?
9. What is your guilty pleasure?
10. What do you like most about yourself?

One Year Older…

October 12th was my birthday… Yay!

And before you start counting on your fingers and toes to figure out just how old I am, the answer is…

26.

I KNOW. WAH-WAH, poor baby! Another spoiled little 20-something on here to whine about how cruel life has been for the last 15 minutes of my life. 😉 Don’t worry folks, you won’t get that here (but after a few glasses of wine? Maaaaybeee…)

Although, I will admit that it’s a little painful to watch one more year go by and realizing that nothing has worked out the way it was supposed to be (you know, according to the 6-year-old me who knew that I would be a mermaid/princess/movie star by now!) Geez, I am such a letdown when I think of it like that… 😉

It has been a pretty awesome weekend, though. We had some friends over on Friday for wine, pizza, wine, cupcakes, and wine. Oh, and we had some wine, too! Don’t give me that look, everyone knows you get to have wine and cake on your birthday! I fully accept responsibility for any damage I might have done to my liver  weight loss efforts. Back on the wagon Monday, people! 😉

Saturday, we decided to wander downtown to the farmer’s market they hold every weekend by the river. I was like a kid in a candy store, perusing the arts and crafts, colorful produce, fresh homemade pastas and artisan breads, gourmet salsas and sauces… Oh my goodness! It was a beautifully sunny day made even better by a guitarist strumming away on a stage right by the water. It was a nice, relaxing way to ease into the second half of my twenties.

AND CHECK OUT MY HAUL:

 Image

Ok, so it could have been worse. A lot worse, but I was pretty excited about it anyway! When we found a little pepper stand, I let the husband go a little nuts and he just had to have some habaneros. He’s a sucker for spicy things! I’m still not sure what I’m going to do with all of these peppers, but I’m thinking now is a good time to break out the food processor and give homemade salsa a whirl. Who amongst you is brave enough to be my guinea pig?!

But hands off the eggplant. I’ve got plans for that little guy. BIG PLANS. 

AND HOW CUTE IS THE LITTLE BEAR OF HONEY. I HAD TO HAVE HIM.

Not pictured: the little baggy of doggy treats we got for donating to a retired Greyhound shelter. Kairi is quite pleased with them. (Oh, she recently had a birthday too! My big baby turned two on the 8th!)

Afterwards, we had lunch at one of the “forbidden restaurants” that I normally have to avoid because there’s simply no way in hell I can behave when they keep bringing out those fresh breadsticks… Our waitress was a complete sweetheart and overheard us mentioning that it was a birthday so she sang to me. And I don’t mean one of those annoying drag-everyone-out-of-the-kitchen-for-a *clapclapclapHAPPYHAPPYBIRTHDAYwehatedoingthisandweknowyouknowwedo* songs, just a simple little happy birthday tune. It was really nice of her, I thought. 🙂

So, the husband spoiled me about as far as I would let him. (Hey, military budget, remember?) It was nice to just relax and enjoy the day, not calculating every calorie or worrying about my crappy doctor or anything like that. We got to allow ourselves a distraction from the stresses in our lives and have some fun together. I am definitely going to make sure we have a day like that every now and then, and this is me gently encouraging you to do the same with your special someones, whether its to celebrate a birthday OR just to celebrate each other. Okay, enough of that sentimental stuff before it gets too warm and fuzzy in here…

And the icing on the cake (haha!) was coming back to the bloggy world and finding out that ACalmPersistance has nominated me for The Sunshine Award, which really made me smile because it was just so sweet of her. (I’ll give you three guesses what my next post is going to be!) She is celebrating a birthday this weekend too, so you should totally hop over to her blog and give her a big hug! Go ahead, you’re not going to miss anything here, I’m just going to wrap this up and then go play some XBox or something! ;P

So, while I spend what is left of this weekend crashing down from my epic sugar rush, I look forward to catching up on how the rest of you are doing. And I hope there are no hard feelings because I wasn’t able to invite you all over for cake (and wine?) Just know that if I could have, I would have, because you ladies are rock stars and I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you over the last few weeks. ;D

Stay strong!